Cloud with a silver lining

The last few days I have been feeling really good. This always happens about a week or so after my chemotherapy session. In the first 7-10 days I just want to sleep so I don't feel the pain. When I am awake I feel really ill, specifically nauseous, and that I’m like a zombie walking around. Gentle swimming helps me a lot because it wakes me up and I usually start swimming slowly 2 or 3 days I have my Chemo. Then I need about 5 or 6 more days to start feeling stronger and this is when I suddenly wake up and feel great so I take full advantage of it. I go swimming full force, running, Yoga, dancing you name it!! I never skip a day of exercise when I feel good. 

Some of the significant things that happened over the past month or so:

I decided to shave my head because my hair was falling a lot. This process was very hard for me. I am not used to seeing myself bald at all. Also my eyebrows are thinning out and my eye lashes are not so full right now (Thank God for makeup!!!) I have cried so many times because of this and of course wonder why is this happening to me. It feels like a bad dream, it is so surreal. After my second chemotherapy I was feeling really ill... then I looked at myself in the mirror and felt so helpless…I wondered how did I end up like this if all I have done is take care of my health. I wonder what did I do wrong, why is this happening to me. I honestly didn’t feel like writing in the past month because I’ve always wanted to be as positive as possible on this journey and in this blog and I just have not felt that way.  

That same week I went through genetic testing to learn if I have a genetic mutation or not. Because of Angelina Jolie’s experience this test has become extremely popular and now has a long waiting list. Genetic testing can be used to determine if someone has a change in their genes (mutation) that make them more likely to develop certain diseases such as cancer. Tests that measure likelihood for a disease are called “predictive genetic tests.” BRCA1 and BRCA2 are the most common genes involved in hereditary breast and ovarian cancers. Testing can be performed on either a blood or cheek swab sample to tell if a person has one of these BRCA mutations. This test does not detect whether a person has cancer or not; it indicates whether a person carries a change in one of these genes which can increase cancer risk. I tested positive, which means I carry the gene and it has developed. It also means that my chances of getting cancer back are higher. This news were devastating for me in the beginning. Due to this result my treatment will include two surgeries: a mastectomy with reconstruction and a Prophylactic oophorectomy which is the removal of my ovaries. Having this surgery will give me a higher probability of the cancer not coming back. I keep praying to God that this experience never comes back and I know it won’t. It is the hardest thing I have ever lived through. At the same time it is making me stronger and making me see how life is precious and how we need to live every moment and really be present because PRESENCE is all we have.

My third chemotherapy session was also very hard but somehow easier because now I have become stronger and know what to expect. I know I will feel terrible for a week or so but then I know that I will feel really good. I learned to accept myself bald. When I feel like it, I put makeup and nice earrings and my head covers and I feel like I look pretty, I actually like it. I have learned so much from this experience that I no longer see my outside looks only but also what I have learned and somehow I have become more secure within myself and who I am today. I feel more free and no longer see my physical looks only but also the beauty of my inside and how this experience has transformed me. Now, I look in the mirror and I see myself again. I know my hair, eyebrows and lashes will grow again. What matters is the spirit and how I can learn to live through this experience as a blessing in disguise. Or as my husband says a cloud with a silver lining. You also recognize that how you look is of such little importance relative to the opportunity to be alive and in good health and being close to those whom you love. That material possessions are completely insignificant. I still have a lot to learn but I feel like I am living life at another level now. I feel this every day and I actually love it. I have my last chemo at the end of this month and four weeks later the surgeries will start and hopefully this will place me in a position to return to my husband and boys and get back to my normal life.

If you are reading this and you have been diagnosed, there is no doubt that it will indeed be a very painful process, but know that there is light at the end of the tunnel even on those days when you don’t want to stand up from bed. Know that there is light even when you are at your worst and that even on those darkest nights there will God willing, always be another beautiful day to give you the opportunity to feel better. You must never lose faith. Keep your spirits up and offer your pain to those who are suffering more than you. I often think of one close friend and colleague of my husband’s whose journey has been so much longer and more difficult than mine yet she embraces life with such an amazing spirit and outlook. It helps to trust that God will always hold your hand and guide you through this process. There are so many that have so much less than us, that don’t even have access to a phone or computer to read this blog. I think about the situation in Syria, Iraq, Palestine, and Yemen, the victims and refugees from war and conflict around the world, and the people in developing countries that are not able to afford or access quality medical care. I thank God for everything we have and how fortunate we are to be able to treat my condition at a great facility with great doctors and a great support network. I can’t take this for granted and I don’t. There is more that I can give to help others and I hope this blog will at least help someone going through a similar experience to mine.

I am dedicating this blog to my beautiful mom. My mother has been on this journey with me from the beginning, she left her life in Mexico even though her parents are very old and need her. She is the central part of my family in Mexico, yet she left her husband and my brothers and sister to come help me with my youngest son and to support me with anything I need. She does not only help me, she does it with a big smile in her face, enjoying every moment with Oliver, and always concerned about my eating, sleeping, exercise, shopping, looks, she is always there and always with a BIG SMILE. Thank you mommy, I do not know what would I do without you, I love you so much and admire your attitude and positive view on life. I am blessed to have you on this journey with me.